2018, the year of strength and courage
Balancing a tough pregnancy and a new and very challenging job took every ounce of strength I could muster. I do not know what the lesson is there, except life can be a bit much sometimes. I have had my share of chaotic seasons when I felt like a boss, but 2018 felt more like physical and emotional survival.
And that’s okay.
I gave birth in 2018. That did make me feel like a boss. After a few weeks of sporadic contractions that drove me mad, I had the real ones for about 50 hours before the hospital would admit me. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, hands grasping the wall, feeling like I was being struck by lightning every 7 minutes, and the hospital would not take me. What kind of uncivilized nonsense is this system?
I remember having all kinds of wires and tubes and monitors, and that making me feel so secure. And then it was time to push, and it dawned on me that no one was getting that baby out of me except for me.
2018 was a year of enormous strength.
Coming home while leaving my baby in the NICU took strength you would not imagine. It doesn’t make sense to feel this baby grow inside of you. For this creature to move aside all of your organs, to kick and stretch, to eat all your nutrients, to hiccup so hard your stomach jumps. And then to leave that baby a borough away in an incubator. To come home empty-handed for four long days.
In 2018, I thought, maybe there is another way I can make money and contribute to society. But also nap if I want to? And also, be with my baby?
Maternity leave was glorious. Returning to work felt like drowning. It finally happened; it was too much. I used up all the strength that was allotted for the year. I left my job to pursue a freelance business with hardly any savings, a newborn, and knowing very well that Erik and I would need more than his income.
It took courage that this risk-averse girl did not think was in her. But I did it, and I am so excited for what 2019 will bring.
In 2018, I became a mom. We became a family. I think it is important to acknowledge when you are happy. I am so, so incredibly happy.