In 2017, I cried. A lot.
I cried because I was horrified by our new administration, and promises they were making to harm vulnerable and already hurting people, and how quickly they tried to make good on those promises. I teared up at about every protest I attended, because solidarity is very comforting. I cried the times politics made my family fight, and scream, and say hurtful things to one another. I cried when people on my team, on my side, in my party became divided, when solidarity started to slip.
I cried during the aftermath of shootings and terrorism.
I cried because marriage can be so hard sometimes, especially during that first year.
In 2017, I made it my mission to find a new job with my brand spanking new masters degree in hand. It took a very long time. It was demoralizing. The hardest part was that Erik and I wanted to start a family, real bad, and we knew doing so on my current salary would be difficult. And so we waited and waited. Took a trip to Paris to distract us. I thought the day would never come, but in June I accepted a new job at a really amazing organization, and cried tears of gratitude.
I cried because when I turned 30, my metabolism bid me adieu. And I ate lots of pie, and so I gained lots of weight. People said hurtful things, and it made me feel all kinds of uncomfortable in my skin.
During the fall, I took a trip to the Netherlands. On the flight home I felt just a tad bit nauseous and dizzy. The following day, back in my apartment, in the middle of the night, while sitting on a cold bathroom floor, with my husband still fast asleep, I watched 2 pink lines appear on a little strip of paper. And oh, I cried. Tears seeped with joy and fear and excitement. I was going to become a mom. I was a mom. Oh my god, it was really happening.
Many hours later Erik and I sat at our favorite neighborhood brunch spot. As we waited for our pancakes and omelettes, we held hands and just stared at each other. Tears running down our faces.
Turns out, pregnancy is really hard. Pregnancy is so much harder that I ever thought it would or even could be. I cried because the constant sickness and fatigue and insomnia and anxiety was too much. I have been sick, and I have surely been anxious. I have been depressed. But man, the whole gang is here! It never let up. I cried nearly every morning, as I whispered into Erik’s ear, “I don’t think I can do this today.” And every time he held me, kissed my forehead saying, “yes you can.”
As the year neared its close, I went to my first prenatal appointment. My doctor let me see my tiny gummi bear baby dancing inside me, and listen to its heartbeat. I ugly cried. I can’t explain the magic of hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Except to say, it is the most perfect thing I have ever heard.
2017, you wretched and beautiful year. Goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.