I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life – and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.
Georgia O’Keeffe
On October 5, 2012, I had several panic attacks. At this time in my life, I had a severe phobia of getting sick in cars and trains. My morning commute was often broken up into a few stop increments, so I could get out for some air and assurance that a bathroom was closer when my feet were on solid ground. Long car rides, especially on highways, were unbearable. A friend had organized a relaxing, fun, and friend-filled (old and new) trip in the Catskills, which would take two trains and a few hours by car. The entire duration of transportation, with excruciating breaks between, would take about 5 hours after work. I prepared by not eating the entire day.
My first panic attack was on the PATH train. I had several in NJ as we waited for a final friend to meet us before the car portion of the trip. We picked up some groceries to take with us, and the anticipation of being on the highway took over, causing me to nearly pass out with anxiety. I left my friends at the checkout line, and stood in the parking lot gasping for breath. A homeless man sat cross legged a few feet from me, and guided me through a deep breathing exercise.
Everything in me, everything, wanted to take the next PATH train back home, but instead I breathed. And I got into that car. And onto the highway. And I went to that goddamn cabin in the woods.
On October 5, 2012, just shortly before midnight, I met my husband.
Every good thing in my life has been the tailpiece of panic and anxiety. I tried to write about my life-long journey with anxiety, but it was too hard. Every time I thought I had pinpointed my first trigger, my first panic, I could trace it back earlier. I will share ways I have learned to cope with anxiety over the years. And so here we go.
This is what I know about coping with anxiety.
Understand that your mind and body are deeply connected. It was not until college that I learned for the first time that my stomach pains, headaches, sweats, shakes, and sleepless nights were products of my anxiety. I truly thought these were ailments separately attacking my body. You can purchase all the benadryl and pepto you want, but you will have to treat your anxiety in order to treat these body pains. After years of feeling like my mind and body were at war, I have come to feel indebted to these early signs that my spirit is not well. I have seen, with much heartbreak, people push through these physical signs until they reach a nervous breakdown. Please trust me, ignored stress and anxiety will lead to a breakdown. Listen to your body. Thank your pain for bringing it to your attention. And then take care of your emotional and mental health.
Put together a toolbox for panic attacks and seasons of severe anxiety. This has been a huge part of my journey. Having tools to cope with anxiety can range from breathing and visual exercises, to having a game plan when you feel panic coming on. Some people journal, meditate, pray, or call someone they trust. I had a very weird but helpful conversation with a therapist on what to do if I actually became very sick on a train and could not leave. The game plan was comical and practical, and it helped. There are so many books and online resources on tools and plans to cope with anxiety, find a few things that work for you.
Tell people you love and trust. Erik witnessed one of my panic attacks for the first time after a year of us dating. He took me to eat amazing Korean bbq, and we stuffed ourselves silly. Just as the train pulled in on our way home, I felt a warm wave of nausea. I found a seat, and went silent with fear that I would be sick, and unable to leave the train. Erik knocked my knees with his legs (raising my blood pressure), and as the train stopped for traffic, he commented that we may be on this train forever (raising my blood pressure more). I calmly looked at Erik and said, “I am getting off at the next stop. Do not get off with me. I will meet you at home, I’ll just be 10 minutes behind you.” Do you think that well?
Since then I have had many more, and far more productive conversations with Erik about my anxiety, how I cope, and how he can help. I have had these conversations with my parents, roommates, and even some co workers.
Here are a few things your loved ones may want or need to know. Anxious people use a lot of energy, and therefore are very tired people. I can easily obsess about a social commitment in two weeks, a project I need to finish yesterday, and make a grocery list, all at the same time. It is exhausting. It may not look like I did much that would make me extraordinarily tired, but my mind is racing at every moment of the day. Anxious people may need more alone time than others. Anxious people have surprising triggers and weird phobias that don’t always make sense. We know they don’t make sense. Anxious people desire control because they feel like they are spiraling out of control. All the time.
When I was younger, I feared my friends and family would feel I was a burden if I was honest about my anxiety and anxiety attacks. Instead I have found that the more open I am, the more they go out of their way to ensure I am supported.
Get clinical help. I am so lucky to have had really amazing doctors during some of the most anxious times of my life. My doctor has helped connect me to a number of specialists when needed, and prescribed me with anxiety medication that has changed my life. Enabled me to live, really. I have always been a big believer in therapy, but be sure your primary care doctor is also on your journey with you. My doctor knows my family history, triggers, and the worst symptoms that have come up during my worst seasons.
Take breaks and put yourself first. I take my mental health very, very seriously. I hardly take sick days, but I take a mental health day about once a month. When you start to feel anxiety coming, don’t push yourself to go to that party you don’t want to go to, or to stay late at work to get that project done. Be kind to yourself. Be generous to yourself. Remember when I said to tell a few loved ones? You don’t have to explain yourself or your self preservations to anyone else.
Keep fighting. My husband thinks my life of anxiety is contradictory. How does one travel to the ends of the earth, live amongst a people so different than my own, get a master’s degree, scramble up the career ladder, maintain invaluable and complicated relationships, all with at times debilitating anxiety? I remind him that I face my biggest and deepest phobia every morning on my commute to work. Every day I face my fears. Every day I fight.
I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life – and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.
Do you live with anxiety? Share how you cope in the comments.